#5 Barney's Version

Viewed 2/5/2011 at the Ritz 5

Listen here, Paul Giamatti:

You aren't Woody Allen. So why does it seem like you continually play the role of the creepy, yet successfully romantic guy? Also, apparently it's perfectly acceptable to get married and then stalk a woman you meet at your wedding until she realizes by some divine providence that you are the love of her life... EVEN THOUGH you call her incessently, let her know that she's the reason you're divorcing your wife, and then force her to go on a date with you. Oh, and you'll be intoxicated for that part. OH, and then you'll pass out. DUDE! You've been trying to get this bitch to go on a date with you for God knows how long and then you find it acceptable to get loaded up right before you meet? Not only that, SHE finds it acceptable.

Paul. You're killing me here. Do you know how many creepy dudes I have to evade in my day to day life? YOU'RE GIVING THEM HOPE.

The Final Consensus:

Ok, I actually liked this movie a lot. The acting was amazing, even though some of the details made me feel a little bewildered (see above). There were also a few scenes that turned everything into a murder mystery for a second, even though none of the outcome from that made an impact on the storyline whatsoever. Minnie Driver (Paul's 2nd wife) was hilarious and played the JAP card beautifully. Rosemund Pike (Paul's stalkee) is kind of forgetable though. Dustin Hoffman is awesome in everything EVER, but especially here because he's a retired Jewish Canadian cop who's a little gun happy. The interaction between him and Paul Giamatti is so sweet, they make a really great father-son combo. Scott Speedman is in this too, but who gives a shit about him really? His name in the movie is "Boogie" and he's a jackass and I'm glad he dies. Yes, I just ruined that for you. But it's ok because his death has NO EFFECT ON THE PLOT AT ALL. Paul Giamatti is Paul Giamatti. He's a great actor and in the movie you seem him go from flashback to flashback. I think he was best as older Barney, who is starting age and deal with Alzheimer's and it's really heartbreaking to watch. 4/5.

#4 - The Illusionist

Viewed 1/29/2011 at the Ritz Bourse

I was so excited to see this movie.

And then I saw it.

Fuck this movie.

Consensus: Are you serious? The whole movie is just this poor old French magician being miserable (and moving to Scotland, which everyone knows is the land of opportunity for parlor tricks) and wasting all his money on a ungrateful, demanding Scottish girl. There's no lesson here except never to get into magic and to never try to help a bitch out by buying her some new shoes because she will use said shoes to walk all over you and STILL make you sleep on the couch. SHE COULD HAVE AT LEAST TOSSED HIM A LITTLE PUSSY. Admittedly, the animation was beautiful, but what a bum out that didn't get the point across at all. 1 out of 5.

#3 - Blue Valentine

Viewed 1/24/2011 at the Ritz 5 - Blue Valentine

I'm pretty sure the gist of this movie was that if you get preggo by accident and then happen to fall into a whirlwind romance with Ryan Gosling in a misfits shirt while playing the ukelele (definitely a tempting image), don't marry him or you'll have a loveless marriage. Oh, and he will punch your boss in the face after you leave him passed out drunk in a sex motel. And you'll run over your dog. But that'll be an accident.

Consensus: What a melodramatic piece of shit. That was a little harsh. The acting was pretty spot on. But the story was stupid, senseless, and had absolutely no continuity. There were parts of it where characters who have no constructive purpose to the story line were introduced and developed and then DISAPPEARED. However, I will give credit to Ryan Gosling simply because he's so hot that the sheer thought of him in this movie gives me strange feelings in my lady parts. But only for the half the movie when he wasn't a poorly executed trailer park dad who wears aviators and ironic American heartland sweatshirts with bald eagles on them. 1 out of 5.

#2 - I Love You, Phillip Morris

View 1/12/2011 at the Ritz Bourse - I Love You, Phillip Morris

You know, I was going to post a picture of the movie poster from this film, but I'm fairly positive that the picture on the left sums up most of my feelings about this movie pretty concisely. Yes, those are mesh briefs.

Consensus: The story kinda sucked. It's pretty much a glorified jailbreak movie. But hey, who am I to pass up a movie where Jim Carrey and Ewen McGregor are CONVINCINGLY super mega gay for each other? 2 out of 5.

#1 - The King's Speech

Viewed 1/8/2011 at the Ritz 5 - The King's Speech

What I learned from this movie:

If you're a reluctant monarch with a severe speech impediment (delivered quite well, might I add), you're fucked. Unless your speech therapist is there to guide you through every word of every public speech you have to deliver. Then you're cool. UNLESS HE DIES...

He doesn't die. Geoffry Rush never dies.

Consensus: I actually really liked this movie. It's nice to see Helena Bonham Carter NOT in a Tim Burton movie. Geoffry Rush is amazing as the quirky Australian speech therapist. But most importantly, Colin Firth is a bitter smart-ass in this movie and I love him for it. 5 out of 5.

#0 - Tiny Furniture

Viewed 12/29/2010 at the Ritz Bourse - Tiny Furniture

Ah the movie that started this resolution in the first place.

I liked it. You'll like it too if you've ever been fresh out of college and end up sleeping till noon everyday in your sisters old bedroom, still decorated with slowly greying pink hippos, while "getting your life together" and working a menial minimum wage job so you can buy weed without having to steal 20's from your mom's purse while she's asleep upstairs.

Not that I've done that.

Consensus: Well acted, didn't feel low budget, lots of awkward laughing and feeling uncomfortable. Also lots of moments where you want to strike the protagonist in the face for being a pathetic cunt but I'm *pretty* sure that was intentional. 3 out of 5. I would have given it 4 if it didn't make me feel like meandering depressed around olde city for an hour after I saw it, reflecting on my post-collegiate life and hating myself.